I Am Over 30, Have You Seen Him?
Photo of Shakita Rodgers-Lofton and Marcus Lofton
I am often intrigued by my conversations with my friends and other women over 30 years old on finding love and relationships and marriage. Some are actively dating (in-person and virtually). Some are in non-progressing courtships, some are open to a new relationship, and some have accepted that they may die an old maid. Though their experiences and perspectives differ, one thing is for sure, they want to be married. Yet, they are single or in a dating time warp, wondering where their man is?
Last week, I had the most fantastic opportunity to have candid conversations with four women who married after 30. They shared their transformative experiences with finding love and advice for women.
During our interview, we discussed how they met their husbands and the following questions:
How did you know he was the one?
What if any changes did you have to prepare yourself for love and marriage?
What advice do you have for women who are looking for love and marriage?
Mel, Retired School Administrator, age 64
"After being single for 27 years, love and marriage were the last two things on my mind", Mel said half-joking. She shared that over the years, she dated men, but they were not the ones. However, there was one, let's call him Steve. Steve was a great companion and had most of the qualities of a husband. To name a few, he had a gentle spirit and was respectful, a provider, and her baby girl was very fond of him. After attending a women's conference at her church, Mel was convicted. She had a heart-to-heart with Steve: "We cannot continue our relationship like this", not pushing for marriage, but trying to see what his thoughts were. Steve acknowledged her feelings, "I knew this was coming." He cared for Mel but was not ready for marriage. At this point, Mel was tired of the dating, "I can do without." She decided to let the Lord work on her.
Then she met him, Mr. Right. He was not packaged like the men she had previously dated; he was fashionably challenged, not quite complimenting her style. But she looked over that because she liked and cared for him until he ghosted her after a date- no call, no explanation, no nothing. Mel was hurt, mostly after she learned he reconciled with his ex-wife, but she got over it. Eight years later, at the age of 54, they reconnected during a trip to Memphis in May of 2011. Mel really needed a getaway and wanted to attend her friend, who happened to be Mr. Right's brother's birthday party. Well, the only way she could get to Memphis on her budget during the time was with Mr. Right. They rode nearly five hours to the party in total silence. Mel and Mr. Right talked some at the party, but he did not apologize or give a reason for ghosting her. On the way home, Mel had a revelation from God that Mr. Right would be her husband. They started dating seriously again and decided to get married. She shared this with her daughters, who were shocked considering they had never met him, and this seemed out of the blue. They gave her their blessing after meeting Mr. Right. Mel and Mr. Right married for months later in September 2010 at Bible Study and have been married for ten years.
Sadie, Teacher, age 34
For Sadie, love and marriage were foreign languages. She had gone through a rough marriage that left her disappointed and broke. Sadie’s focus was reconnecting with herself and taking care of her daughter in their new home. She was single and free, and her newly updated Facebook status was evidence. In no time, her male friends on the Book were shooting their shots, as Sadie calls it, but many weren’t worth entertaining. However, there was Bae from her hometown in Mississippi. Something was different about him. Bae was persistent, never taking no for an answer. The last time he asked her out on a date, Sadie’s responded, “Yes, if you can come to Houston and take me out.” She thought she was calling his bluff, but it was the opposite. Bae told her he would call her back. And he did, with a flight number and time, she would need to pick him up from the airport. The rest is history.
Tory, Administrator Assistant, age 46
At 36 years old, Tory was dedicated to being pure in God, running towards him and away from fornication. During this time, she was always praying and waiting patiently for God to bless her with a husband. Now her prayer was more than "God, bless me with a husband." She was specific, including everything she wanted in the man she trusted God to send her. She prayed that she would be physically and spiritually attracted to her husband. She eventually connected with a minister through a dating website, Christian Mingle. Tory and Mr. Minister started dating for a while. Not only was he a man of God, but he also had great qualities; still, something seemed off. But not to him, Mr. Minister would have asked Tory to marry him if she had not ended their relationship. Tory shared with me that although Mr. Minister had great attributes, she did not hear confirmation from God. She trusted God with her future and knew that continue with Mr. Minister was not in his will for her. Months later, God showed her in a vision that she would be married soon. Tory walked into the word God gave her. One day while out, she ran into a man she was once acquainted with. This time when he asked her out on a date, she said, “Yes.” Within six months, they were married.
Karen, Register Nurse, age 44
It could not have been at a worse time for Karen. Karen was going through a divorce and had just failed the nursing state board exam. Out of nowhere, a younger man, Boo, from down the street shows up with his daughter. Boo wanted to know if their daughters could play together. Karen was in a sour mood, so she snapped, “Who are you, and who is your daughter?” Their daughters played together and would for months before they realized there was chemistry between them. Things started looking up for Karen; her divorce was final, and she had passed the nursing state board exam, excited that her license would be delivered any day now. She decided to give Boo a formal apology for her attitude months before when they first met. He accepted her apology and invited her to walk with him in their community park. Karen accepted his invitation, but she was sort of reserved because he was seven years younger than her. What would her family and friends think, she thought? Plus, she did not know much about him, but it was just a walk. It turned out that it was more than a walk. Karen and Boo dated for about six years and married two years ago.
How did you know he was the one?
I found it invigorating that four women from different walks of life with no connection had mirroring answers, it was God.
What if any changes did you have to prepare yourself for love and marriage?
Marriage is a union that requires two people who are complete in themselves. “You cannot enter into a relationship or marriage expecting someone to complete you. You have to be happy with yourself,” expressed Mel. Mel shared that God had to retire her from her job as a school administrator and guide her through the process of working on herself before sending Mr. Right. Being single for nearly three decades and in a position of authority, she was used to calling the shots, which would have probably been an issue if she and Mr. Right had continuing dating eight years before. In Mel's words, “God had to get both of them together”. For Sadie, she had to work to be less self-reliant, allowing Bae to take care of her and respect his voice in making a decision being that she was accustomed to being self-sufficient. For Tory, her preparation for love and marriage came alongside her daily walk with God. Tory shared that she would study and pray daily for hours at a time, listening for God's direction. Like he spoke to her about being pure, he directed finding who she was in Christ and started delivering her from inner conflicts and strongholds. Tory admitted that it was challenging, but the more the enemy advanced, the more she chased God.
For Karen, she had to learn to trust again and also be less self-reliant, letting Boo do things for her. Boo is different than any other man she dated. He is affectionate and a proper gentleman. Karen laughed as she told me about their first date. Boo picked her up, and like the perfect gentleman, he opened the door. Unaware at he was waiting to close the door, Karen reached for the door out of habit, pulling it closed before realizing Boo was still standing there and his head was in the way. The door hit him in the head. "I was too nervous because I thought I had hurt him and embarrassed at the same time. I was not acquainted with this level of treatment."
What advice do you have for women who are looking for love and marriage?
Mel, Sadie, Tory, and Karen shared seven tips on their experiences to inspire, give you hope, and help prepare you for your Boaz. Oh, on a side note, it was not planned this way- seven is the number of completeness.
Keep the Hope, Stop Looking: DON’T GO LOOKING FOR LOVE. IT WILL FIND YOU.
Include God: If you want change and to have extraordinary experiences, pray, ask God to order your steps, and listen. Tory beautifully said, “There is nothing ordinary about your life when you choose Christ.”
Know Who You Are: Know what you want and stay true to who you are.
Be Patient: You are a beautiful work of art, so men will flirt and pursue you. Be still and wait patiently on the Lord to give you confirmation. When God is in it, you will feel his presence, and things will align according to his will. Remember, God is not the author of confusion but of peace.
Accept the Package: Your husband may not come wrapped like a high-dollar ticket item from your favorite department store or boutique. He may instead have poor taste in clothing, dirty shoes, missed a few trips to the barber or dentist, or maybe a little on the skinny or chunky side. As Karen said, “These things can be fixed.”
Take Away Preconceived Notions: Throw away the checklist! It is okay to have standards and expectations; just make sure they are realistic and sensible.
Position Yourself for Your Husband: Denied your fleshly desires. While in the waiting zone, both Mel and Tory became celibate and more in tune with God.
Somewhere, maybe two doors down or from previous encounters, there is someone God created just for you. Someone who will love you unconditionally and work to give you your heart’s desires- Start putting God first and you second- get where he wants you to be-and watch him work.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
Proverbs 18:22